So, I got some lame news today. I am going to be a dink and not disclose what that news was. Because even though I have discussed my vagina, some things are
Needless to say I'm crabby. I've decided I'm not going to stay crabby. Instead I will be all kinds of peaceful, and everything happens for a reason, and zen, and namaste, and humble, and accept what you have and blah blah fucking blah.
I will be aaaaaaaaall of those things.
For right now I'm going to complain about some stupid shit to make myself feel better.
Okay, so, first of all, we can all agree that these rich actors/singers/ball players don't really use the products they're promoting, right? (Except maybe Michael Jordan because even rich people need undershirts.) SJP doesn't use 10$ Garnier dark circle eye-roller, Gwen Stefanie doesn't use 8$ L'Oreal hair dye, etc. They just don't. And neither would you if you made 85 GAZILLION dollars. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you if you use them. I'm not saying I don't use them (I do). I'm just saying they don't. Because if you can afford to hire someone to have your kids for you, you can spring for the good stuff.
BUT. Some of their commercials get to me for other reasons.
For example. If you are trying to convince me to purchase a face wash, you really shouldn't show yourself "washing your face" IN FULL MAKEUP. "Oh it's so cleansing! It gets rid of dirt and oil!" Bitch, please. Apparently it won't even wash off your foundation. This is especially, especially annoying for washes that allegedly even skin tone. If you're not willing to show your skin and it's oh-so-even tone? I'm not buying.
Also annoying? When someone is doing a commercial for some kind of hair-care product and they have HUGE ROOTS. I.... I just.... for real? If IIIIIIIIII have time to get my roots done, so do you, person who is being paid large sums of money to star in a commercial that is focused primarily on THE HAIR ON YOUR HEAD.
Also? If you are looking for product reviews, here are two of mine:
Magic mesh: Piece of shit.
Slushy magic: Doesn't fucking work.
Basically what I'm saying is, if it has the word magic in it's title, and you can buy it in the As Seen On TV section of Bed, Bath and Beyond, don't buy it.
I'm going to invent something called the Magic Bullshit Detector. That ShamWow guy is going to do the commercial and whenever he says magic he's going to have to say it like "maaaaaaaaaaaaagic". True story.
The Magic Bullshit Detector (patent pending) is going to be this:
My phone number.
Before you buy something from an infomercial you call me.
We have the following convo:
You: I want to buy,
Me: Does it have the word magic in the title, or use the words "like magic" in the commercial?
You: Yes -
Me: Don't buy it.
You: But I didn't even tell you what,
Me: Don't buy it.
BAM. You pay me 19.95.